Tuesday, March 27, 2007

My Hopes and Dreams

Wow. No one has been to my blog since my last blog post. Oh well, I'm not as anxious for people to read what I've written as I once was. The change in the last few years is that I'm not looking for anyone's opinion.

Some introspective thinking:

What is life all about? I don't think God intended for me to live just for fun. Life has been hard. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to DO. I feel a bit like a toddler, spiritually speaking. I feel these gates up around me and God saying "No" and I don't understand why I'm I can't go where I want to go and do what I want to do.

I feel stuck to live the responsible life. It's not that I want to be irresponsible, but I want filfull God's purpose for me. The truth is, I'm not happy where God has placed me. I'm trying to be, if that counts for anything, but I'm so frustrated.

I know that every day I have little sins that I have to confess and move on like gossip, telling little fibs, or just simply putting myself first. However, I know God is not punishing me or anything for any big sins. I'm not engaging in big sins. I'm not doing anything worthy of God's punshiment. However, I am a little leary of trusting God because no matter WHAT I do I feel stuck. I want to soar on top of eagel's wings.

I need to ask God what to do with this frustration. He never promised me that my life would be like heaven, but how do I deal with the frustation I have right now over my life? I feel like I can't do anything to change it. The only thing I can control is my attitude, and even that feels like climbing up a steep mountain just to maintain a positive attitude.

How do I reach out to others?

Life is so hard and difficult. Is it going to get easier?

Friday, March 9, 2007

Is it the culture or am I just getting old?

I think I might be getting old. I'm only 26, but I was around college-aged students tonight and I felt SO old. I can barely stay up past 10pm anymore. I guess that's what happens when you become a parent. Teenagers and young adults have so much passion and energy. I used to have a lot of passion. I think a lot of hard and dramatic things have happened over the last 4 years that really grew me up.

I'm more contemplative and I have to take a step back and confidently think about things. Emotions do not rule me anymore. That is a victory for me. Thank you Lord. It's only through Him and the things that he's done in my life. I have no major sins in my life. I do every day struggle with little ones: I'm tempted to gossip and to be cynical. I'm tempted to try to take possession of my life and I'm tempted to help people so that they'll praise me. I'm tempted to rub it in another's face when I am right. I'm tempted to desire things of this world. I'm tempted to spend time doing things I want to do verses what God wants.

I suppose those are big things, but at least I don't struggle with sexual sins, and I don't have pent up anger and hatred, and I geninuely want to know God. But what's missing is knowing what God has called me to.

I've just discovered who I am. ::sigh:: I finally feel like I got it. Now, what do I do? What am I supposed to be doing? I want to be satisfied. Not happy, satisfied. I want God to use what He made me for and I want to know what He is doing.

Where is my heart? I want to share my life. I want to mentor. I want to have compassion for and care for others.

Sometimes I feel lonely because I want to connect with others, but I don't get popular culture. I don't get the way they talk or they way the dress or the technology they use. I am different.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Oh yes, the wedding dress I mentioned...

This is Matt and I on our wedding day July 30, 2005.

Pics of the family


I am holding Kaylin and Matt is holding Kaylin's fraternal twin cousins: Login and Christopher. Kaylin is two months older, but the boys have caught up to her in size and are surpasing her now! My have they all grown. Aren't they cute?

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Things that bring death

I was watching a reality makeover show today and it left me feeling bad. The daugther and friend had dragged the mom onto this makeover show. The family lived in a rural area and the mother wasn't into fashion because she farmed. She liked long floral dresses and wore her greyish orange hair in a long ponytail. I watched her heart break as her daughter and friend critized her and told her that the reason she didn't have any friends was because of the way she dressed.

In my opinion, what does she need those kind of friends for anyway? The kind of friends that only like you when you dress fashionably. The kind of friends that will only be around you in you conform to the world's idea of fashion?

I understand that in this world the way you present yourself affects how you are treated. I've always looked very young for my age and thus people have typically been condescending or motherly. I've had people not take me seriously and give me all sorts of unwanted advice because I look young. Now that I'm a woman and have had a baby I have curves and this makes me look older. The extra 30 lbs I've put on since college has made me look somewhere between 20 and 30 instead of between 12 and 17, which is good. People do take me a little more seriously now.

All these stupid makeover shows. Not having the "right" look and you are not adequate. You are not "all you can be." You are not "in tune with the universe." Looking good helps, don't get me wrong. But should a person's heart be ripped open just so that they can fit in in this world?

I like people who don't fit in. It is refreshing to me to be around people who care about what they look like, but not because they are trying to fit in, but because they are trying to honor God in everything they do.

Today I made of list of things to avoid, things that bring me death. Friday I was anxious, and they anxiety came from...well, I don't know. But I heard voices (not literally, I'm not crazy) that were telling me I was stupid, and ugly, and a horrible employee, and a horrible wife, and mom. All lies. Completely false. But I felt anxious the whole day. Somewhere deep back in the back of my heart and in my mind I remembered that I was supposed to mediate on things that were good, and lovely, and kind, and pleasing, etc. My mind had been completely focused on the things that the world cares about and I felt SO anxious.

So today I thought about it, I'm just going to avoid the things that generally make me feel like I'm lacking or inadequate in any way. I mean really, who needs that?

Things to avoid:

1. Makeover shows (home or personal). These shows leave me feeling like I don't have the right look and because of it my life is not complete.

2. All tv, with a few exceptions. I will not turn on the tv because I'm bored. There are three shows I like, two I will go out of my way for. I love Lost and I love Malcolm in the Middle, and I will watch the Simpsons. These shows don't make me anxious or make me feel like I'm missing something, in fact the opposite. Malcolm gives me a good laugh and Lost intrigues me. If I want to watch those shows I will record them and watch them at a convenient time.

What will I do with all the extra time?

3. I will avoid malls whenever possible. Every single time I go into a mall I walk out feeling out-of-place, and poor, and ugly. So I won't go there. Instead, I will support our local small businesses by shopping at small retail stores.

There are things that bring death, things that bring life, and things that are neutral. I really do want to be where Life is.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Freedom and Life

I've been listening to a radio ministry called Key Life with Steve Brown. This guy rocks.

I first heard him over the radio a couple of days after Luke committed suicide. I was grieving and struggling over the question of whether or not those who commit suicide are forgiven and get to be with God. I whipped open my Bible to the Book of Matthew and read about the "unforgivable sin" Jesus talks about in Chapter 12.

Catholics say that suicide is the unforgivable sin because you can't confess and repent, because you're dead. Or maybe you can repent in purgatory, but that's a whole other topic. What I discovered in the book of Matthew is that the unforgivable sin is actually the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit (31 "And so I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven". 32 "Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."- Jesus's words from the New International Version) Basically, they were accusing Jesus of performing miracles in the name of a demon, their accusation was blasphemy.

After I read that chapter two days after Luke shot himself, which is definiately a sin (defined as selfish actions outside of God's will that lead to death spiritual or physical), but is not the UNFORGIVABLE sin, I turned on the radio. The first words I heard were Steve Brown's voice saying that suicide is a very selfish thing, it is sinful, but it is not THE unforgivable sin. What a relief!

Do I know for sure that Luke is in heaven? No. But based off of scripture I know that God will forgive him. Luke knew Jesus, had a relationship with the Father, however Luke had a lot of anger in his heart. Hate for another person and love for God can not co-exist (1 John 4:20). Luke let his anger rule and it caused him to be bitter. Bitterness is deadly.

So...on to my point. I like Steve Brown. He said something that blew me away today. When people come to know the Lord often times they become really legalistic and want to follow the Law perfectly. They can get really upity about it. What am I talking about here, it's not just new Christians, but many Christians whether new or old. Christianity isn't about being a good person. It's about life and liberty through Christ.

The most important thing to know as a Christian is to know that you are free! You have been saved from your sins and now have the freedom to do anything. You even have the freedom to sin. Yes, you read that right. But make no mistake, sinning has consequences. Sinning, as I defined above, is being out of God's will. Sin has consequences. But the important thing is that you know you are free. You've been made free through Jesus's sacrifice and you have been raised up to a new person through Christ's resurrection and ascension.

Yes, Jesus was resurrected (walked out of the tomb) and yes he did ascend (physcially go up into heaven). And yes, he is alive. And no, you will not find his bones in any tomb on earth. About he having a wife and children: well, neither the Bible nor any historical records have any account of that. Not saying it couldn't happen, however wasn't it Jesus's purpose to come to our world and die for our sins? And doesn't Paul say in the Bible that it is better to be unmarried for a married person's interests are divided between their spouse and God. Wouldn't Jesus' interests be soley focused on the Father's interest?

He didn't seem like any average Joe carpenter to me, just trying to make a living and trying to survive like the rest of us . He was radical, and offensive, and claimed to be one with the Father. Either he was crazy or he was one with God. I believe the latter because he changed my life.

So, the reason I even mention Steve Brown is because he's like a friend to me even though I've never met him. I don't always 100% agree with everything he says, but he seems like a kind man, and is not afraid of, lovingly, telling people the way things are. Sometimes he offends, but Jesus offended people. I feel like he GETS it. Not a lot of people do.

In my experience with Christians I have typically been able to put them into one of two categories: legalistic, perfectionist, self-righteous Christians or all-embracing, anything-goes, let's twist scripture to not offend people kind of Christians. Steve Brown is neither one.

I didn't become a Christian to be perfect. There are unbelievers who are a lot better than I am at being loving, being kind, diligent, faithful, etc. But that's the thing: Jesus takes you right where you are at and you become a new person. You're saved from death and sin, and your new life in Christ starts. That doesn't mean that life is easy or pretty, my life has been pretty difficult.

I've gone through some pretty rough stuff. I don't want to be perfect, I want to be where life is. The body decays and dies, but spiritually I'm growing and growing. I'm getting more and more life. That might sound crazy to you, but it's true. I'm becoming more like God. Not because I become a god, or gain some god-life power, or anything like that. But God truely wants me to be like Him. Loving, and full of light, and love. The world is dying but those who know Christ are living. At least I hope.

Where are all the other Christians who get this? They are so hard to find. It's not about being perfect. I just want to be around other people who want to know God who aren't wacko.