Can't Sleep

Wow. Am I dealing with insomnia. I get so tired I'm ready to pass out and then when I lay down to sleep I can't doze off. So here I am at 3am. Hopefully writing down my thoughts will help.

I'm thinking about:

#1. Childbirth. I'm 23 weeks pregnant with baby # two. I wonder whether or not my pelvis will be measured as being adequate so that they'll let me try for a VBAC. I have a great distrust for medical professionals right now and I'm scared I'll be robbed of what birth experience I want. I want desperately to be healed of my last experience with my C-section. I am a part of the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN)'s yahoo mailing list.

#2. My daughter. I feel like I'm failing at this stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) thing often and I keep thinking I need to get out of the house, but I don't want anyone else to raise my daughter.

#3. Finances. We don't have enough money to cover all our bills. All except for one, I guess. But that's a big one. I wonder if it's destroyed our credit. $ is so tight I never thought I could spend so little. Sometimes it's really frustrating. The good news is we got a roof over our heads, food, and we haven't gone into the negative in our bank account. So God is providing.

#4. Church. I feel so disconnected right now. I need to fellowship with others to get out of my own little world. I wonder if we can start doing that.

I think that encompasses my thoughts.

Now in Ohio

We now live in Columbus, Ohio. God has called us here and it has been a tough journey. I looked over my previous posts, and life has changed so much in the past 3 years. My life issues back then seemed so small compared to what they are now and I have SO much more experience and wisdom. How can 3 short years have changed me so dramatically?

Things that have happened over last 3 years (order of recent to later):
New job for Matt, New home
Move to Ohio
Matt's grandpa dying
Move-in with In-laws (one year)
Luke's suicide
More Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Pregnancy and Birth of Kaylin
Matt's unemployment
Move into small apartment together
Marriage to Matt
Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Getting a job with County Emergency Management Office
New church experiences (institutional vs. home church)
Start/end of romantic relationships
Unemployment
Moving to Fort Lauderdale
Personal Crisis

My Hopes and Dreams

Wow. No one has been to my blog since my last blog post. Oh well, I'm not as anxious for people to read what I've written as I once was. The change in the last few years is that I'm not looking for anyone's opinion.

Some introspective thinking:

What is life all about? I don't think God intended for me to live just for fun. Life has been hard. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to DO. I feel a bit like a toddler, spiritually speaking. I feel these gates up around me and God saying "No" and I don't understand why I'm I can't go where I want to go and do what I want to do.

I feel stuck to live the responsible life. It's not that I want to be irresponsible, but I want filfull God's purpose for me. The truth is, I'm not happy where God has placed me. I'm trying to be, if that counts for anything, but I'm so frustrated.

I know that every day I have little sins that I have to confess and move on like gossip, telling little fibs, or just simply putting myself first. However, I know God is not punishing me or anything for any big sins. I'm not engaging in big sins. I'm not doing anything worthy of God's punshiment. However, I am a little leary of trusting God because no matter WHAT I do I feel stuck. I want to soar on top of eagel's wings.

I need to ask God what to do with this frustration. He never promised me that my life would be like heaven, but how do I deal with the frustation I have right now over my life? I feel like I can't do anything to change it. The only thing I can control is my attitude, and even that feels like climbing up a steep mountain just to maintain a positive attitude.

How do I reach out to others?

Life is so hard and difficult. Is it going to get easier?

Is it the culture or am I just getting old?

I think I might be getting old. I'm only 26, but I was around college-aged students tonight and I felt SO old. I can barely stay up past 10pm anymore. I guess that's what happens when you become a parent. Teenagers and young adults have so much passion and energy. I used to have a lot of passion. I think a lot of hard and dramatic things have happened over the last 4 years that really grew me up.

I'm more contemplative and I have to take a step back and confidently think about things. Emotions do not rule me anymore. That is a victory for me. Thank you Lord. It's only through Him and the things that he's done in my life. I have no major sins in my life. I do every day struggle with little ones: I'm tempted to gossip and to be cynical. I'm tempted to try to take possession of my life and I'm tempted to help people so that they'll praise me. I'm tempted to rub it in another's face when I am right. I'm tempted to desire things of this world. I'm tempted to spend time doing things I want to do verses what God wants.

I suppose those are big things, but at least I don't struggle with sexual sins, and I don't have pent up anger and hatred, and I geninuely want to know God. But what's missing is knowing what God has called me to.

I've just discovered who I am. ::sigh:: I finally feel like I got it. Now, what do I do? What am I supposed to be doing? I want to be satisfied. Not happy, satisfied. I want God to use what He made me for and I want to know what He is doing.

Where is my heart? I want to share my life. I want to mentor. I want to have compassion for and care for others.

Sometimes I feel lonely because I want to connect with others, but I don't get popular culture. I don't get the way they talk or they way the dress or the technology they use. I am different.

Oh yes, the wedding dress I mentioned...

This is Matt and I on our wedding day July 30, 2005.