Sunday, October 10, 2010
Continuing Weight Loss
In the last 2 months (well, it'll be 2 months in a few days) I have lost 15lbs doing Atkins! BMI has gone from 30.5 to 28. Healthy BMI is around 20-24 range. Hubby has lost 25 lbs. I'd say the diet is going well. Despite the rapid weight loss, it feels slow. I want desperately to be at a healthy weight and to have more control over my body. I'm 10lbs up from my wedding weight, which was borderline okay weight, and 10-15lbs more than I'd have liked to weigh. So, I'm 20-25lbs away from ideal. Having a goal that I can measure has been really good for me.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Starting to LIVE
So, my hubby and I are doing the Atkin's Diet. We've been doing this for 5 full days. My hubby's lost 10 lbs (!!!), which is approximately 3% of his body weight and I've lost 3 1/2 lbs or 2% of my body weight. FIVE days. We are hoping this trend continues, because this is awesome.
The diet consists of high (good) fats/high protein and low carbs. I eat LOTS of veggies, just the lower carb ones (ie. green leafy veggies, no carrots or potatoes) & eggs, fish, meat, poultry, etc. The first 2 days were HELL (sugar/caffeine crash) where we felt: greasy, had headaches, slightly nauseous, achy, etc. But since 2 days ago I have had TONS of energy, I keep going, going, going...
I spent most of yesterday just cleaning, making up for months of slacking off. I still have a lot to go. However, I made so much progress and I know that probably by the end of today (or tomorrow) my house will be zen-like in peace and cleanliness. We cleaned our room yesterday and now it's a place I like to be in. At the end of the day yesterday I even had time to exercise on the elliptical and I burned 400 calories! I never knew how much carbs were getting me down. I'm prediabetic (I believe I have been since my early 20s even when I was thin) and I get sugar crashes where I get weak, lightheaded, dizzy, and nauseous if I don't eat every 3 hours. Since we started Atkins I've been able to go for 5 hours w.o eating before I start to feel uncomfortable and that's only a little bit.
What started this all? Well, since my husband lost his job I've been depressed and felt trapped. I've plopped myself on the couch and watched hours of tv series at night. I'd do this from about 9pm to usually 2am, sometimes later. First it was The Office. I watched the entire series on Netflix streaming. Then it was Heroes. I watched all four seasons of that as well. I was obssessed. I'd just sit there and after 10pm (almost on the button) I'd feel RAVENOUSLY hungry. This was even if I'd had a protein/carb snack. So I'd binge; I just couldn't stop. I kept eating and eating. The culprits were icecream, cheesy hotdogs, and occasionally beer. I was trying to feed my emotions to "feel better" and nothing helped. I felt extremely helpless and out of control.
When my hubby decided to do Atkins I found hope. It had been a hardship in our marriage that my husband is largely overweight and not able to do activities together that he and I would enjoy.Atkins has been great for our marriage. I have respect for my husband that he is taking his life into his own hands and making a change. We can now be healthy and DO things! I want to be able to ride on an airplane with him without him feeling uncomfortable, to go kayaking, to exercise together, etc. All these things are very important to me. He has SO much to lose, but I believe he can do it. And it's great for our marriage because we are working on a goal together and that brings us closer. We are finally started to LIVE and I want to make this life count. I'm sick of dying, I want to LIVE!
The diet consists of high (good) fats/high protein and low carbs. I eat LOTS of veggies, just the lower carb ones (ie. green leafy veggies, no carrots or potatoes) & eggs, fish, meat, poultry, etc. The first 2 days were HELL (sugar/caffeine crash) where we felt: greasy, had headaches, slightly nauseous, achy, etc. But since 2 days ago I have had TONS of energy, I keep going, going, going...
I spent most of yesterday just cleaning, making up for months of slacking off. I still have a lot to go. However, I made so much progress and I know that probably by the end of today (or tomorrow) my house will be zen-like in peace and cleanliness. We cleaned our room yesterday and now it's a place I like to be in. At the end of the day yesterday I even had time to exercise on the elliptical and I burned 400 calories! I never knew how much carbs were getting me down. I'm prediabetic (I believe I have been since my early 20s even when I was thin) and I get sugar crashes where I get weak, lightheaded, dizzy, and nauseous if I don't eat every 3 hours. Since we started Atkins I've been able to go for 5 hours w.o eating before I start to feel uncomfortable and that's only a little bit.
What started this all? Well, since my husband lost his job I've been depressed and felt trapped. I've plopped myself on the couch and watched hours of tv series at night. I'd do this from about 9pm to usually 2am, sometimes later. First it was The Office. I watched the entire series on Netflix streaming. Then it was Heroes. I watched all four seasons of that as well. I was obssessed. I'd just sit there and after 10pm (almost on the button) I'd feel RAVENOUSLY hungry. This was even if I'd had a protein/carb snack. So I'd binge; I just couldn't stop. I kept eating and eating. The culprits were icecream, cheesy hotdogs, and occasionally beer. I was trying to feed my emotions to "feel better" and nothing helped. I felt extremely helpless and out of control.
When my hubby decided to do Atkins I found hope. It had been a hardship in our marriage that my husband is largely overweight and not able to do activities together that he and I would enjoy.Atkins has been great for our marriage. I have respect for my husband that he is taking his life into his own hands and making a change. We can now be healthy and DO things! I want to be able to ride on an airplane with him without him feeling uncomfortable, to go kayaking, to exercise together, etc. All these things are very important to me. He has SO much to lose, but I believe he can do it. And it's great for our marriage because we are working on a goal together and that brings us closer. We are finally started to LIVE and I want to make this life count. I'm sick of dying, I want to LIVE!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Update
So here's an update on my life. Matt's unemployed, however he has some promising web developer contract gigs coming up (possibly). We are both actively looking for work. We are on day 3 of the Atkin's diet. Matt's lost 8 1/2 lbs (holy cow!) and I've lost about 2. So far, it seems to be working. We're going to try it for 2 weeks and then go for there. I've really felt like I'm in hell without all the sugar and carbs until today when it wasn't as big as a deal. But we've been realizing how much sugar/carbs the kids eat and we're going to try to figure out how to change that so they grow up knowing how to eat healthy and aren't faced with the same problems we have today (obesity, emotional eating, sugar crashes, etc). So far this has done fantastic things for our marriage since we are working as a team. It has created A LOT more dishes as we cook at every meal. I'm trying to keep up, but it's hard with the kids.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Internet Monk
Michael Spencer recently died. I didn't know who he was, but now I do: he called himself "the internet monk" and he blogged. This particular article is fantastic: http://www.internetmonk.com/articles/B/broken.html
Friday, March 12, 2010
To Be Told
I've joined a small women's group who is studying To Be Told by Dan Allendar about how God co-authors your life. I've read this book before, it is amazing. I'm looking forward to going through this book with other women to see the themes of what God is doing in our lives and what sort of tale I've fallen into (paraphrase from Sam, character in LOTR).
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
LOST
I'm again addicted to the show LOST. When I was pregnant with my daughter in 2006 my hubby was unemployed and I took the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy for maternity leave since I was already 3cm dilated and feeling very uncomfortable. During that time, we watched the first 3 seasons of LOST. We both didn't like the direction of the show so my hubby stopped watching at the end of season 3 and I watched an occasional season 4 episode. The are now on season 6 and I am trying to get caught up by watching season 3 again, and watching season 4 & 5 in it's entirety. In the past week or so I watched all of season 3 (like I said, I'm addicted)and am now working on season 4. I found some interesting links regarding the timelines and theories about the show. I will post them later after I've watched the show in entirety and come up with my own conclusion.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
New Blog
I created a new blog at http://myinterestingwomenshealth.blogspot.com to discuss my journey towards a women's health career.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Importance of Doulas
I was considering becoming a doula as I am very interested in midwifery, now I have gained some interest in becoming an obgyn nurse, hopefully this is something I can pursue once the kids start going to school.
This is a great article on the importance of doulas:
http://www.scienceandsensibility.org/?p=839
This is a great article on the importance of doulas:
http://www.scienceandsensibility.org/?p=839
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Update on Life Events
To update my blog post from September 03, 2007 in which I listed the major events from 2004-2007 I will add both those events and current events just to display how crazy my life has been in the past 5 years (from most recent to least recent):
Me adjusting to being full-time SAHM with now TWO kids while living with in-laws
Matt gets dream job after 5 months of no income, although salary is less than hoped for
Move to NC to move in with in-laws
Unable to pay rent
I don't get unemployment
Matt nor I able to find job
Lose job with State of Ohio (can't keep up)
Having major anxiety issues requiring meds
Got job with State of Ohio
Having trouble balancing two kids with church life + disagree with church's focus("vision")
Birth of Liam (VBAC!)
Matt's job loss
High risk pregnancy/hospitalization
Changing relationship with close friends (some distancing)
Trying out different church experience with Xenos
Learning how to be a SAHM
Pregnancy with Liam
New climate, new culture in Ohio
New job for Matt, New home
Move to Ohio
Matt's grandpa dying
Move-in with In-laws (one year)
Luke's suicide
More Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Post partum Depression
Pregnancy and Birth of Kaylin (C-section!)
Matt's unemployment
Move into small apartment together
Marriage to Matt
Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Getting a job with County Emergency Management Office
New church experiences (institutional vs. home church)
Start/end of romantic relationships
Unemployment
Moving to Fort Lauderdale
Personal Crisis
Me adjusting to being full-time SAHM with now TWO kids while living with in-laws
Matt gets dream job after 5 months of no income, although salary is less than hoped for
Move to NC to move in with in-laws
Unable to pay rent
I don't get unemployment
Matt nor I able to find job
Lose job with State of Ohio (can't keep up)
Having major anxiety issues requiring meds
Got job with State of Ohio
Having trouble balancing two kids with church life + disagree with church's focus("vision")
Birth of Liam (VBAC!)
Matt's job loss
High risk pregnancy/hospitalization
Changing relationship with close friends (some distancing)
Trying out different church experience with Xenos
Learning how to be a SAHM
Pregnancy with Liam
New climate, new culture in Ohio
New job for Matt, New home
Move to Ohio
Matt's grandpa dying
Move-in with In-laws (one year)
Luke's suicide
More Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Post partum Depression
Pregnancy and Birth of Kaylin (C-section!)
Matt's unemployment
Move into small apartment together
Marriage to Matt
Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Getting a job with County Emergency Management Office
New church experiences (institutional vs. home church)
Start/end of romantic relationships
Unemployment
Moving to Fort Lauderdale
Personal Crisis
What if I had not been born prematurely?
I just had the thought, what if I had been born on or around my actual due date instead of prematurely? I realized that my life would (could) be dramatically different.
I was due on Thanksgiving (end of November) of '80. Instead I was born 6 weeks early on October 13th. My mom had a high risk pregnancy (pregnancy induced hypertension) and was hospitalized in Mississippi even though we were living in Florida.
I would most likely have been born the first week of December if there had been no problems in the pregnancy (with 1st time mommies usually giving birth 1-2 weeks after assigned due date) I would have been born in Florida not in Mississippi.The most profound effect is that I would have started school a year later. They let me slide- I guess if you were born Sept 1 or earlier they would let you start, but they made an exception for me (which they most likely wouldn't have had I been born in December) and I started Kindergarden at age 4.
I was born weighing 3' 11 oz (tiny!) and the first few years of my life I had some respiratory problems. So I image those around me were probably a little protective of me. I was seen as little Kimmy. What if I had been born regular sized with no problems? Might I have been viewed, or raised, differently?
I believe I probably would have lived in the same places, but just would have been in a different grade. I would have started school in the states in 2nd grade instead of 3rd. I remember having trouble with 3rd grade math because in 2nd grade in England I had learned British currency and when I moved to the US pennies, nickles, dimes, quarters, and dollars seemed foreign to me. I didn't do well at math as a result and I did poorly in math classes (as I had no confidence in myself on the subject) until I came across my 10th grade Alegbra teacher whose teaching style just made sense to me. So, would this have changed my grades and my academic interests? My major in college?
I may have not have met my Karen, Rebecca, Julia, Robin and Jessie (my friends in Florida when I was 7-11 yrs old) because I wouldn't have been in the same grade as them. Because they are still in my psyche, they influenced the way that I think about things (some good, some bad).
I would not have started high school in Nebraska. My 9th grade was such an important year. Rachel G. influenced me to try out for cheerleading (something I had no interest doing on my own). The friends I made, the crushes on boys I had, would all be different.
I would have started high school in Texas. I may not have participated in TKD because I would not have met Amy B. I may not have met my long term long-distance boyfriend at the time and the implications of that are staggering. Most importantly, I may not have had any experience with church (and thus may have come to my relationship with God by a different means) because I had no interest in going, but Amy B asked me so many times I eventually said yes.
Looking back I realized that I identified more with the class behind me ('99, and somewhat with the class of '00 although less so) than I did with my own graduating class. My parents divorced in '98. So the question is, would I have remained with my Dad in Texas or moved in with my mom in Louisiana? Would I have ended up going to college in NY or in MT (where my parents prospectively ended up moving to)? Or Texas or Florida?
I most likely would not have met the people I met in Florida. And thus, my spiritual journey would look remarkable different. Would I have met my husband or would I be married to someone else? Would I have the kids I have now?
I guess I'm thinking about this because, while I know that I have choices in life that direct the way my life goes, I feel as if it were my destiny to have been born 6 weeks early, as my life would look remarkably different had I been born "on time." As there are no answers as to what could have happened, I can only marvel at God's perfect timing and plan for my life.
I was due on Thanksgiving (end of November) of '80. Instead I was born 6 weeks early on October 13th. My mom had a high risk pregnancy (pregnancy induced hypertension) and was hospitalized in Mississippi even though we were living in Florida.
I would most likely have been born the first week of December if there had been no problems in the pregnancy (with 1st time mommies usually giving birth 1-2 weeks after assigned due date) I would have been born in Florida not in Mississippi.The most profound effect is that I would have started school a year later. They let me slide- I guess if you were born Sept 1 or earlier they would let you start, but they made an exception for me (which they most likely wouldn't have had I been born in December) and I started Kindergarden at age 4.
I was born weighing 3' 11 oz (tiny!) and the first few years of my life I had some respiratory problems. So I image those around me were probably a little protective of me. I was seen as little Kimmy. What if I had been born regular sized with no problems? Might I have been viewed, or raised, differently?
I believe I probably would have lived in the same places, but just would have been in a different grade. I would have started school in the states in 2nd grade instead of 3rd. I remember having trouble with 3rd grade math because in 2nd grade in England I had learned British currency and when I moved to the US pennies, nickles, dimes, quarters, and dollars seemed foreign to me. I didn't do well at math as a result and I did poorly in math classes (as I had no confidence in myself on the subject) until I came across my 10th grade Alegbra teacher whose teaching style just made sense to me. So, would this have changed my grades and my academic interests? My major in college?
I may have not have met my Karen, Rebecca, Julia, Robin and Jessie (my friends in Florida when I was 7-11 yrs old) because I wouldn't have been in the same grade as them. Because they are still in my psyche, they influenced the way that I think about things (some good, some bad).
I would not have started high school in Nebraska. My 9th grade was such an important year. Rachel G. influenced me to try out for cheerleading (something I had no interest doing on my own). The friends I made, the crushes on boys I had, would all be different.
I would have started high school in Texas. I may not have participated in TKD because I would not have met Amy B. I may not have met my long term long-distance boyfriend at the time and the implications of that are staggering. Most importantly, I may not have had any experience with church (and thus may have come to my relationship with God by a different means) because I had no interest in going, but Amy B asked me so many times I eventually said yes.
Looking back I realized that I identified more with the class behind me ('99, and somewhat with the class of '00 although less so) than I did with my own graduating class. My parents divorced in '98. So the question is, would I have remained with my Dad in Texas or moved in with my mom in Louisiana? Would I have ended up going to college in NY or in MT (where my parents prospectively ended up moving to)? Or Texas or Florida?
I most likely would not have met the people I met in Florida. And thus, my spiritual journey would look remarkable different. Would I have met my husband or would I be married to someone else? Would I have the kids I have now?
I guess I'm thinking about this because, while I know that I have choices in life that direct the way my life goes, I feel as if it were my destiny to have been born 6 weeks early, as my life would look remarkably different had I been born "on time." As there are no answers as to what could have happened, I can only marvel at God's perfect timing and plan for my life.
Friday, November 27, 2009
NC
I'm in North Carolina w. the in-laws. It's not so bad here. Family is nice, weather is nice. My husband finally found his dream job! So all is not bad. I just need to get out of my shell and start meeting some people!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
My 1/3rd life crisis
My job is ending in 1 week and I'm looking into going into nursing school. Life has been SO hard, it has not stopped and I have not had a chance to rest for YEARS. I'm looking into the abyss hoping that if I step out in faith God will bring some peace and rest, life and hope. I'm so hurting & looking for a community of believers. I've experienced really Christian community before and everything else feels so stale in comparison. I haven't felt God's presence in an awfully long time. I want God to show up and I want to see Him work.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
It's 2009
It's 2009 & I have a new baby and a new job. Matt is at home taking care of 7 month old Liam (who just cut his first tooth) and 2 1/2 year old Kaylin who is so precocious and delightful. I am working for a job with the State of Ohio. I did have my VBAC, although I had to make lots of compromises. I'm hoping that 2009 will be a wonderful year. 2004 was hard, 2005 was life-changing (got married), 2006 was even more life-changing (had first child, moved in with in-laws, and grieved friends' suicide), 2007 was very hard (we moved across country, I became a stay-at-home mom, and we lived in poverty), and 2008 was even harder (had my 2nd child & went back to work). Hopefully, 2009 will not be even even harder. I'm hoping for an easy year. Jeez, I need a break...
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Can't Sleep
Wow. Am I dealing with insomnia. I get so tired I'm ready to pass out and then when I lay down to sleep I can't doze off. So here I am at 3am. Hopefully writing down my thoughts will help.
I'm thinking about:
#1. Childbirth. I'm 23 weeks pregnant with baby # two. I wonder whether or not my pelvis will be measured as being adequate so that they'll let me try for a VBAC. I have a great distrust for medical professionals right now and I'm scared I'll be robbed of what birth experience I want. I want desperately to be healed of my last experience with my C-section. I am a part of the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN)'s yahoo mailing list.
#2. My daughter. I feel like I'm failing at this stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) thing often and I keep thinking I need to get out of the house, but I don't want anyone else to raise my daughter.
#3. Finances. We don't have enough money to cover all our bills. All except for one, I guess. But that's a big one. I wonder if it's destroyed our credit. $ is so tight I never thought I could spend so little. Sometimes it's really frustrating. The good news is we got a roof over our heads, food, and we haven't gone into the negative in our bank account. So God is providing.
#4. Church. I feel so disconnected right now. I need to fellowship with others to get out of my own little world. I wonder if we can start doing that.
I think that encompasses my thoughts.
I'm thinking about:
#1. Childbirth. I'm 23 weeks pregnant with baby # two. I wonder whether or not my pelvis will be measured as being adequate so that they'll let me try for a VBAC. I have a great distrust for medical professionals right now and I'm scared I'll be robbed of what birth experience I want. I want desperately to be healed of my last experience with my C-section. I am a part of the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN)'s yahoo mailing list.
#2. My daughter. I feel like I'm failing at this stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) thing often and I keep thinking I need to get out of the house, but I don't want anyone else to raise my daughter.
#3. Finances. We don't have enough money to cover all our bills. All except for one, I guess. But that's a big one. I wonder if it's destroyed our credit. $ is so tight I never thought I could spend so little. Sometimes it's really frustrating. The good news is we got a roof over our heads, food, and we haven't gone into the negative in our bank account. So God is providing.
#4. Church. I feel so disconnected right now. I need to fellowship with others to get out of my own little world. I wonder if we can start doing that.
I think that encompasses my thoughts.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Now in Ohio
We now live in Columbus, Ohio. God has called us here and it has been a tough journey. I looked over my previous posts, and life has changed so much in the past 3 years. My life issues back then seemed so small compared to what they are now and I have SO much more experience and wisdom. How can 3 short years have changed me so dramatically?
Things that have happened over last 3 years (order of recent to later):
New job for Matt, New home
Move to Ohio
Matt's grandpa dying
Move-in with In-laws (one year)
Luke's suicide
More Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Pregnancy and Birth of Kaylin
Matt's unemployment
Move into small apartment together
Marriage to Matt
Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Getting a job with County Emergency Management Office
New church experiences (institutional vs. home church)
Start/end of romantic relationships
Unemployment
Moving to Fort Lauderdale
Personal Crisis
Things that have happened over last 3 years (order of recent to later):
New job for Matt, New home
Move to Ohio
Matt's grandpa dying
Move-in with In-laws (one year)
Luke's suicide
More Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Pregnancy and Birth of Kaylin
Matt's unemployment
Move into small apartment together
Marriage to Matt
Hurricanes/Tropical Storms
Getting a job with County Emergency Management Office
New church experiences (institutional vs. home church)
Start/end of romantic relationships
Unemployment
Moving to Fort Lauderdale
Personal Crisis
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
My Hopes and Dreams
Wow. No one has been to my blog since my last blog post. Oh well, I'm not as anxious for people to read what I've written as I once was. The change in the last few years is that I'm not looking for anyone's opinion.
Some introspective thinking:
What is life all about? I don't think God intended for me to live just for fun. Life has been hard. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to DO. I feel a bit like a toddler, spiritually speaking. I feel these gates up around me and God saying "No" and I don't understand why I'm I can't go where I want to go and do what I want to do.
I feel stuck to live the responsible life. It's not that I want to be irresponsible, but I want filfull God's purpose for me. The truth is, I'm not happy where God has placed me. I'm trying to be, if that counts for anything, but I'm so frustrated.
I know that every day I have little sins that I have to confess and move on like gossip, telling little fibs, or just simply putting myself first. However, I know God is not punishing me or anything for any big sins. I'm not engaging in big sins. I'm not doing anything worthy of God's punshiment. However, I am a little leary of trusting God because no matter WHAT I do I feel stuck. I want to soar on top of eagel's wings.
I need to ask God what to do with this frustration. He never promised me that my life would be like heaven, but how do I deal with the frustation I have right now over my life? I feel like I can't do anything to change it. The only thing I can control is my attitude, and even that feels like climbing up a steep mountain just to maintain a positive attitude.
How do I reach out to others?
Life is so hard and difficult. Is it going to get easier?
Some introspective thinking:
What is life all about? I don't think God intended for me to live just for fun. Life has been hard. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to DO. I feel a bit like a toddler, spiritually speaking. I feel these gates up around me and God saying "No" and I don't understand why I'm I can't go where I want to go and do what I want to do.
I feel stuck to live the responsible life. It's not that I want to be irresponsible, but I want filfull God's purpose for me. The truth is, I'm not happy where God has placed me. I'm trying to be, if that counts for anything, but I'm so frustrated.
I know that every day I have little sins that I have to confess and move on like gossip, telling little fibs, or just simply putting myself first. However, I know God is not punishing me or anything for any big sins. I'm not engaging in big sins. I'm not doing anything worthy of God's punshiment. However, I am a little leary of trusting God because no matter WHAT I do I feel stuck. I want to soar on top of eagel's wings.
I need to ask God what to do with this frustration. He never promised me that my life would be like heaven, but how do I deal with the frustation I have right now over my life? I feel like I can't do anything to change it. The only thing I can control is my attitude, and even that feels like climbing up a steep mountain just to maintain a positive attitude.
How do I reach out to others?
Life is so hard and difficult. Is it going to get easier?
Friday, March 9, 2007
Is it the culture or am I just getting old?
I think I might be getting old. I'm only 26, but I was around college-aged students tonight and I felt SO old. I can barely stay up past 10pm anymore. I guess that's what happens when you become a parent. Teenagers and young adults have so much passion and energy. I used to have a lot of passion. I think a lot of hard and dramatic things have happened over the last 4 years that really grew me up.
I'm more contemplative and I have to take a step back and confidently think about things. Emotions do not rule me anymore. That is a victory for me. Thank you Lord. It's only through Him and the things that he's done in my life. I have no major sins in my life. I do every day struggle with little ones: I'm tempted to gossip and to be cynical. I'm tempted to try to take possession of my life and I'm tempted to help people so that they'll praise me. I'm tempted to rub it in another's face when I am right. I'm tempted to desire things of this world. I'm tempted to spend time doing things I want to do verses what God wants.
I suppose those are big things, but at least I don't struggle with sexual sins, and I don't have pent up anger and hatred, and I geninuely want to know God. But what's missing is knowing what God has called me to.
I've just discovered who I am. ::sigh:: I finally feel like I got it. Now, what do I do? What am I supposed to be doing? I want to be satisfied. Not happy, satisfied. I want God to use what He made me for and I want to know what He is doing.
Where is my heart? I want to share my life. I want to mentor. I want to have compassion for and care for others.
Sometimes I feel lonely because I want to connect with others, but I don't get popular culture. I don't get the way they talk or they way the dress or the technology they use. I am different.
I'm more contemplative and I have to take a step back and confidently think about things. Emotions do not rule me anymore. That is a victory for me. Thank you Lord. It's only through Him and the things that he's done in my life. I have no major sins in my life. I do every day struggle with little ones: I'm tempted to gossip and to be cynical. I'm tempted to try to take possession of my life and I'm tempted to help people so that they'll praise me. I'm tempted to rub it in another's face when I am right. I'm tempted to desire things of this world. I'm tempted to spend time doing things I want to do verses what God wants.
I suppose those are big things, but at least I don't struggle with sexual sins, and I don't have pent up anger and hatred, and I geninuely want to know God. But what's missing is knowing what God has called me to.
I've just discovered who I am. ::sigh:: I finally feel like I got it. Now, what do I do? What am I supposed to be doing? I want to be satisfied. Not happy, satisfied. I want God to use what He made me for and I want to know what He is doing.
Where is my heart? I want to share my life. I want to mentor. I want to have compassion for and care for others.
Sometimes I feel lonely because I want to connect with others, but I don't get popular culture. I don't get the way they talk or they way the dress or the technology they use. I am different.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Pics of the family
I am holding Kaylin and Matt is holding Kaylin's fraternal twin cousins: Login and Christopher. Kaylin is two months older, but the boys have caught up to her in size and are surpasing her now! My have they all grown. Aren't they cute?
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Things that bring death
I was watching a reality makeover show today and it left me feeling bad. The daugther and friend had dragged the mom onto this makeover show. The family lived in a rural area and the mother wasn't into fashion because she farmed. She liked long floral dresses and wore her greyish orange hair in a long ponytail. I watched her heart break as her daughter and friend critized her and told her that the reason she didn't have any friends was because of the way she dressed.
In my opinion, what does she need those kind of friends for anyway? The kind of friends that only like you when you dress fashionably. The kind of friends that will only be around you in you conform to the world's idea of fashion?
I understand that in this world the way you present yourself affects how you are treated. I've always looked very young for my age and thus people have typically been condescending or motherly. I've had people not take me seriously and give me all sorts of unwanted advice because I look young. Now that I'm a woman and have had a baby I have curves and this makes me look older. The extra 30 lbs I've put on since college has made me look somewhere between 20 and 30 instead of between 12 and 17, which is good. People do take me a little more seriously now.
All these stupid makeover shows. Not having the "right" look and you are not adequate. You are not "all you can be." You are not "in tune with the universe." Looking good helps, don't get me wrong. But should a person's heart be ripped open just so that they can fit in in this world?
I like people who don't fit in. It is refreshing to me to be around people who care about what they look like, but not because they are trying to fit in, but because they are trying to honor God in everything they do.
Today I made of list of things to avoid, things that bring me death. Friday I was anxious, and they anxiety came from...well, I don't know. But I heard voices (not literally, I'm not crazy) that were telling me I was stupid, and ugly, and a horrible employee, and a horrible wife, and mom. All lies. Completely false. But I felt anxious the whole day. Somewhere deep back in the back of my heart and in my mind I remembered that I was supposed to mediate on things that were good, and lovely, and kind, and pleasing, etc. My mind had been completely focused on the things that the world cares about and I felt SO anxious.
So today I thought about it, I'm just going to avoid the things that generally make me feel like I'm lacking or inadequate in any way. I mean really, who needs that?
Things to avoid:
1. Makeover shows (home or personal). These shows leave me feeling like I don't have the right look and because of it my life is not complete.
2. All tv, with a few exceptions. I will not turn on the tv because I'm bored. There are three shows I like, two I will go out of my way for. I love Lost and I love Malcolm in the Middle, and I will watch the Simpsons. These shows don't make me anxious or make me feel like I'm missing something, in fact the opposite. Malcolm gives me a good laugh and Lost intrigues me. If I want to watch those shows I will record them and watch them at a convenient time.
What will I do with all the extra time?
3. I will avoid malls whenever possible. Every single time I go into a mall I walk out feeling out-of-place, and poor, and ugly. So I won't go there. Instead, I will support our local small businesses by shopping at small retail stores.
There are things that bring death, things that bring life, and things that are neutral. I really do want to be where Life is.
In my opinion, what does she need those kind of friends for anyway? The kind of friends that only like you when you dress fashionably. The kind of friends that will only be around you in you conform to the world's idea of fashion?
I understand that in this world the way you present yourself affects how you are treated. I've always looked very young for my age and thus people have typically been condescending or motherly. I've had people not take me seriously and give me all sorts of unwanted advice because I look young. Now that I'm a woman and have had a baby I have curves and this makes me look older. The extra 30 lbs I've put on since college has made me look somewhere between 20 and 30 instead of between 12 and 17, which is good. People do take me a little more seriously now.
All these stupid makeover shows. Not having the "right" look and you are not adequate. You are not "all you can be." You are not "in tune with the universe." Looking good helps, don't get me wrong. But should a person's heart be ripped open just so that they can fit in in this world?
I like people who don't fit in. It is refreshing to me to be around people who care about what they look like, but not because they are trying to fit in, but because they are trying to honor God in everything they do.
Today I made of list of things to avoid, things that bring me death. Friday I was anxious, and they anxiety came from...well, I don't know. But I heard voices (not literally, I'm not crazy) that were telling me I was stupid, and ugly, and a horrible employee, and a horrible wife, and mom. All lies. Completely false. But I felt anxious the whole day. Somewhere deep back in the back of my heart and in my mind I remembered that I was supposed to mediate on things that were good, and lovely, and kind, and pleasing, etc. My mind had been completely focused on the things that the world cares about and I felt SO anxious.
So today I thought about it, I'm just going to avoid the things that generally make me feel like I'm lacking or inadequate in any way. I mean really, who needs that?
Things to avoid:
1. Makeover shows (home or personal). These shows leave me feeling like I don't have the right look and because of it my life is not complete.
2. All tv, with a few exceptions. I will not turn on the tv because I'm bored. There are three shows I like, two I will go out of my way for. I love Lost and I love Malcolm in the Middle, and I will watch the Simpsons. These shows don't make me anxious or make me feel like I'm missing something, in fact the opposite. Malcolm gives me a good laugh and Lost intrigues me. If I want to watch those shows I will record them and watch them at a convenient time.
What will I do with all the extra time?
3. I will avoid malls whenever possible. Every single time I go into a mall I walk out feeling out-of-place, and poor, and ugly. So I won't go there. Instead, I will support our local small businesses by shopping at small retail stores.
There are things that bring death, things that bring life, and things that are neutral. I really do want to be where Life is.
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